A Better Experience

 

Light and dark in the Advent sanctuary

Now for happier experience

although it began darkly 2 a.m. Saturday

woke up severe unrelenting abdominal pain

no sleep only pain

then unending nausea and pain into the day

called retired elder who was out of town

please fill in for me tomorrow

it’s just song service and reception

okay she said we’re coming home tonight anyway.

 

Afternoon found me at urgent care

waiting waiting waiting

finally given magic pill

to take away nausea

go to ER they said

no I was emphatic

having been regaled by church member

who spent 11 hours there three days previously.

 

Ran some tests

oh this is what it must be

here have a painful injection then prescription

if severe pain returns take ambulance to ER

could be something much worse.

 

Felt so much better Sunday morning

went to church for singing service

two verses of called-out Christmas carols

don’t forget to call out hymn numbers!

except one woman wanted to sing

verse two of Because He Lives

I know it’s an Easter hymn she apologized

but it IS about a baby

we gladly sang it

love that hymn love them all

always get choked up 

verse three Away in a Manger 

silly sentimental carol.

 

We gave musician jar stuffed with cash

told her you are a joy!

all this followed by lovely reception

magical sparkling scrumptious

exhausted I went home sorry to miss it.

 

Here’s what I know from 20 years of this

God always takes care of me

when I am in the pulpit

always and in many ways

making divine self known to me

thank you Lord.

It's Just Time

 

Window wreath at Massey's Chapel

Text from DS I just saw your intent to retire

wanted to check it wasn’t because of our conversation

you can call me if you want to talk.

 

Our recent conversation was about Massey’s visitor

who I could not remember

called her to complain

after he saw newsletter notice

of grief support group

for folks who struggle to get beyond election

they are experiencing

grief fear anger estrangement

some people obviously excluded from this group

he told her

he never emailed or called me I said

there have been no complaints from members.

 

He apologized for calling her

was thoughtful in speech

complimented my pulpit presence

he is son of a DS she said

which explains it

I didn’t say.

 

No one has complained about me to DS in 20 years

I said aware that might seem defensive

I’m sorry I don’t remember him

I said about five times

then

three visitors are joining this Sunday

so clearly I remember some of them I didn’t say

(more defensiveness)

let me see if I have a visitor card for him

why yes here it is

he attended on Easter

is member of big UMC which I named

I’m sorry I don’t remember him

some visitors slip out before I can greet them

more defensiveness just shut up Cheryl

she did not reply.

 

DS told him to contact me

if he has problem with the group

Judi would have told him that first

then hung up I mused

he will not call me I almost laughed.

 

I responded to DS text

I turn 65 in a few weeks

it wasn’t our conversation

it’s just time.

Family Scrapbook

 

Thanksgiving 2024 at our house: descending order:

Jonathan, Katherine, me, Michelle;

Eric, Rachel, Keith, Zach

Watching Duke football at a nearby sports bar November 2024

It was so hot in Gatlinburg in July! 

Kat and llama near Gatlinburg

Eric and Zach, October 2024

Kat's birthday July 2024

Michelle spring 2024

Looking Forward

 

I hope I will travel

Strange thing happened yesterday

when having coffee with friend

I said I’ll probably retire in June

she asked what will you do

I said oh probably play more pickleball

play mahjong more often

travel take walks be with family

volunteer with Keith at food pantry

maybe fill in at churches that need short term interim

find a church nearby

where I can worship sing in choir

does it have to be Methodist she asked

probably yes United Methodist I replied.

 

I have been watching livestreams

from churches near me I said

stumbled across small one

where I could not believe

the quality of preaching

well he is a Div student

it has been a long time

since I heard genuine exegesis

I thought I will go right there to visit

for the first time in a long time

I will choose my own church.

 

How do you know what to do? she asked.

 

When I pray about it

God seems to say your choice dearest

I will bless either

but if you choose to stay at Massey’s

you will need to put in more

mental emotional spiritual even physical energy

my reply is I love you thank you no

 

You seem so happy

when talking about all this she said

last time we had coffee

you seemed sad

I couldn’t remember the context of sad

what was remarkable about yesterday:

I went home happy

can’t remember last time

I felt hopeful happy all day

got a lot done too.

End of 2024 Challenges

 Me & Katherine on my 2022 birthday

I would be remiss if I did not write about dreadful election

no one thought grifter would win

but he did

I have been depressed

won't watch or read news

asked ai to write Sunday pastoral prayer

it composed better one

than I could have.

 

We have church Christmas project

easy one buying gift cards

for Methodist Home for Children

already someone asked to write check

can someone else purchase gift cards for me?

I said no

any moron can buy gift card at Target

I did not say

I am weary of laziness.

 

Advent is around corner

we’ll decorate after church Sunday before

because people already will be there --

captive work team

Advent's third Sunday we will have festive reception

after worship

because I did not arrange Homecoming in October

only one person said something.

 

I told usual people

I am not going to stress about Advent music this year

sing if you want

if you arrange with pianist to practice

no singing without practice

which is what they really want to do.

 

I saved small clear plates from All Saints candles

to place underneath poinsettias

somehow I dug up battery candles

for people to hold Christmas Eve

six years old they still work

a Hanukkah miracle ha.

Because 

there’s no getting out of Christmas Eve worship this year

I’ve been slippery as snake (wise as serpent?)

past few years what with Covid

then 24th falling on Sunday last year

maybe I am lazy too

oh God can you help me 

write one more Christmas Eve sermon?

 

I took off my birthday

first Sunday after Christmas

Katherine will take me somewhere for surprise!

retired elder from New York

said he would preach lead worship that day

it’s Medicare birthday for me

my 60^th fell right before Covid.

 

Then we turn to new secular year

with a clown in the White House

turning everything into a terrible circus

God help us.

Too Much Going On

 

Orange coneflowers in pollinator garden remind me of Blowing Rock

Charge conference Sunday evening at Parkwood

worried not many people would come

they came because I begged

sullen answering of DS questions by all three churches

Parkwood tried more valiantly than other two.

 

Last Sunday congregation was jittery about election

they will be worse this Sunday

genuinely afraid of violence

I cannot reassure them it won’t happen

but I say peace the world is still in God’s hands

am I saying peace peace when there is no peace?

 

This week I plan All-Saints Sunday

we will light three candles for members who died

none of whom had funeral or memorial service

seems to be a thing these days

cremation no service

I offered to let any worshiper

who had deceased family member this year

bring their own candle to light

table is petite in small space

I hope candles fit

and

I don’t set myself on fire

have to stand close for Communion

 

Once I almost did set my sleeve on fire

at New Bethel when lighting Advent candles.

 

This Saturday is clean-up day

in pollinator garden

we can’t afford expensive landscaper anymore

to prune throw branches into woods

I hope enough people come

followed by soup and bread lunch.

 

It’s all too much but what can you do?

only pray

and

show up.

Reflections on Age and Energy

 Pentecost 2024

Keith said it’s too bad

you were older and tired by the time

you got a good church

I replied I am like Sarah

who got pregnant at 90

too old to enjoy motherhood

thanks a lot God.

 

I told him Aldersgate

took what was left

sucked me dry

never got a break from trauma

heartbreak anger awful decisions

six months leading two churches

trying to learn Massey’s Chapel

while Aldersgate died.

 

Then came Covid

then came disaffiliations.

 

I overheard Keith telling neighbors

my first church had been really mean

caused me to cry a lot

turned off our children from church.

 

Three unhealthy churches

had too many problems

for one pastor

the Rougemont Charge

about blew me out like a candle

I remember praying

I can’t do this anymore God

that has been my prayer

as long as I’ve been in ministry.

 

For twenty years a devil has sat on my shoulder

whispering you could do more

for God’s kingdom

as a lay person in a healthy church.

 

Massey’s Chapel is anxious

over the possibility

of my retirement next June

it’s not that they love me so much

I am not warm and fuzzy

what I am is competent.

 

I told Keith

they are just anxious about the future

this is an anxious year in many ways

I could retire next year or five years from now

who knows what kind of pastor they would get.

Still God will be a part of it.

An Invitation

 Pastor stirring stew at Union Grove, 2013

Got a postcard in an envelope

return address Union Grove

opened with nervous hands

what could this be?

 

An invitation to church's

100^th anniversary celebration

the bishop will be there!

Saturday afternoon two weeks hence

would you please come

tell stories give memories send photos

also we need former field ed student email addresses

especially Savanna.

 

Pulled from bookcase printed journals like this one

I have been keeping forever

surprised I only wrote about Union Grove

in volume one

(devoted too much ink to Aldersgate)

have plenty of photos to share

here is Savanna’s email address.

 

I don’t want to go

avoid events when bishop will be there

plus new pastor is former member 

of Massey’s Chapel

ordained Baptist years ago

married our lay leader

took her off to be pastor’s wife

least favorite DS gave him

2-point charge in Rocky Mount

one of which disaffiliated

now they are in Bahama and Rougemont.

 

We don’t much like each other

the Baptist thing of course.

 

Found an appropriate story to read

about seeing God at work

I will attend because I should not avoid

special church events

and

I do love sweet Union Grove.

Church Talk

 

Clergy colleague called to tell me

the church she serves told her

Aldersgate ran itself into the ground

then closed

turned over building to conference

if Aldersgate can do it so can we

that’s not the way it happened I replied

let’s have lunch so we did.

 

Aldersgate sold its building

but there must be compelling reason

also plans for afterwards

although reason may never materialize

plans can fall through.

 

Some other churches sold their buildings

then dovetailed with another church

taking proceeds with them

it all requires permission

yes her church sits on valuable property

I doubt the conference trustees would let

another Aldersgate happen I said

I tried so many things 

they told me they were old

nothing worked out

set up trust gave away money.

 

We talked about serving elderly churches

whose members no longer want to serve

study work do ministry

even answer difficult questions.

Massey’s ganged up on me lately to say

they are too old been there done that

please stop asking

this all arises from charge conference question

what keeps you stuck unable to perceive

new thing God is doing?

what new thing we all wonder.

 

My colleague said you should try what I am doing

interim pastor no more than one year

she said I am quite emphatic

my time with any church ends in June

then I take off at least July often longer

it's great she said I will never take another church

longer than a year.

 

Yes I enjoyed being short term interim

at handful of churches

when I served Union Grove who worshiped at 5

so long ago.

Church Music

 

I admit I love our Hymnal

Talking with new neighbors retirees

said they were church shopping

not those words exactly

have visited Presbyterian Methodist

was it Pittsboro United Methodist I asked

yes they replied

how was it

husband answered it was okay

just okay I wondered

he sighed

the Methodists love their hymnals

ah I thought

said out loud you prefer praise songs

words projected on a screen

it’s what we’re used to he said

we will go to the community church here I think

even retirees want overly loud praise songs?

 

Another neighbor who knows my vocation

said with some excitement

he visited Pittsboro United Methodist

how was it I asked

wonderful he exclaimed

they have a – he described an organ he expected me to know about –

an excellent music ministry

they sing mostly from regular hymnal

this neighbor has a baby grand piano

plays fill-in organ at churches

do they have a choir I asked

oh a good one he replied I’m now singing in it

I watched the livestream

sure enough

he was up front singing his heart out.

Goodbye Blowing Rock

 

Goodbye Blowing Rock I said Friday

in the pinkish salmon light of dawn on the Parkway

grateful car was not wrapped in fog

one deer already dashed across the road.

 

Eleven nights of very little sleep

less than four hours each night

because of bed from hell

tall old lumpy horrible

Keith left even earlier for same reason

also sofa and chair were unsittable

for longer than five minutes.

Thursday afternoon old friend Annette

texted to say sorry

she could not come for weekend

Dallas was too hot for flight to take off

after hours and endless airport delays

it's just as well I didn't say plus

 thank God I do not live in Dallas.

 

Friday dawn driving home

a psycho after so little sleep

somehow I made it back to Pittsboro 

by the grace of God.

 

Today I was in the pulpit

instead of lay person who was supposed to fill in

she seemed terribly nervous about leading worship 

more than preaching

it’s like juggling balls she said

I know what you mean I replied 

sometimes I still drop a ball

or two.

 

Church seemed glad I was back

despite Julia A delivering great sermon last Sunday

I watched the live stream she didn’t use notes

not sure how preachers do that

I continued her Bread of Life theme

an old sermon updated because time was short.

 

Explained to everyone I came home early

because eleven nights of no sleep

turned me into a psycho

they all laughed

handful of people confessed to me afterwards

they struggle to sleep every night.

 

Mom aren’t you just getting old and fussy

my mean daughter asked

no! I’ve slept in many places

never had such an experience

well you’re older now she said unkindly

with eyes twinkling

mom I didn’t find the sofa that uncomfortable.

 

I wrote a note to condo owner

I’m checking out six days early

because of horrible bed

this represents some hundreds of dollars maybe more

I didn’t say

she wrote back so sorry

do you have recommendation for new mattress?

 

One of my peeps asked if I came home early

because I felt internally like it was the right thing to do

I paused and answered

actually yes.

Church Intrudes

 

Charge Conference season: I'll be busy as a bee

Charge Conference stuff is ready!

pesky charge profile online

waiting to be filled out again

by somewhat unwilling Staff-Parish Committee

really it’s me who ends up writing it

as if the DS can’t tell

why can’t they come up with new questions

have church strengths really changed

in a year?

 

We do seem to have examples

of God’s generosity

a relatively new question

the committee has trouble distinguishing

divine generosity from their own

or maybe their own is inspired

there’s no problem this year

we prayed

(rather desperately on my part)

God sent us a heavenly pianist.

 

The thought of setting up

charge conference meetings again

feels onerous especially when 

finances

are not as strong as in years past

all it takes is one person wringing their hands

to start a panic

plus people don’t seem to want to fund the columbarium

listen fifty dollars don’t cut it

I don't say

who can blame them?

 

Perhaps members find giving to be tiresome

I know I often do

I think the right word is discipline.

 

One big-giving couple lured away by Baptist pastor

who visited them endlessly

the male half of couple a closet Baptist

a pox on the Baptists I have thought for years.

 

I walk on Nominations eggshells

can’t say what needs to be said

when committee members

are related to other members

they think would be dandy on Staff-Parish

 

I’m tired of the merry-go-round

one year bleeding into another

my creativity beaten away long ago.

 

I still pray 

trust 

that God is indeed in the midst of it.