The Secrecy that Didn't Work

 

I think I look tired

What a joke although not funny

phone call Friday from DS

I’m emailing you script to read Sunday

no livestream

I’m emailing different script for SPRC chair to read out loud

at end of worship

announcing who Massey’s new pastor will be

who is it? I asked

I cannot tell you she replied

well what church is Massey’s being paired with? I asked

I cannot tell you she said

is it in Durham!? I cannot tell you

you will find out Sunday when chair reads her script.

 

That’s what you think I didn’t say.

 

Later that day surprise

 here came email to me from district office

containing the chair’s script!

Oops!

 

So that’s the new pastor!

I looked her up

what? rural church 45 minutes away?

never would have guessed

if she can manage the driving

she will do well at Massey’s

I watched her Easter livestream

there’s an accent but not hard to understand

a sweet lilting African accent

reminds me of Shepherd’s House.

 

Sunday: chair read long boring script

which said I was moving (not retiring)

which she corrected 

blah blah blah

new pastor is who?

script gave her name only

not her church

did not say she was ordained

married with children

or from the Congo

I did not read my script

but came out of the pulpit

said it all!

answered questions

reassured congregation

you will love this pastor!

her own church loves her

(and it's rural and white I didn't say)

church doesn’t want to lose her

she’s young (compared to us) energetic

everyone exited smiling

it’s going to be okay.

 

The DS thinks we are both morons

chair told me afterwards

no she’s dogpaddling in the deep end

she’ll be a good DS in a few years I replied

or maybe she does think I’m a moron

because I have a part-time appointment

what? chair said

oh never mind

I try to care what God thinks.

Last Easter at Massey's

 

The service was really nice today

you were great my husband said

after church on Easter unusual for him

there wasn’t a seat left in the sanctuary

nor in the parking lot according to the usher

who directed traffic.

 

Suzanne’s playing was spectacular I said

so lovely to have a musician who works well with you

it’s a shame Keith said

you are leaving when you are at the top of your game

not really I laughed

remember the tennis players who wait too long

they just become pathetic.

 

It’s true I love to lead worship preach

will miss that for sure

but much of the rest I no longer enjoy

some of it I loathe

cannot stand the thought of another charge conference

or someone expecting me to fix some church problem

as you know I’m having trouble holding my words

not just what I say but how I say it

I reach a point with churches

when I begin to wonder if there is anything

I have done or said

that has made any difference

then it’s time to leave.

 

This time I can leave for good.

More of the Same

 

Walking in the springtime woods soothes the beast

Here came letter authorizing me

to call special charge conference

to set new pastor compensation

via Zoom on Sunday early afternoon

very soon

simultaneously with committee chair saying

I don’t know how to do this!

I don’t know what I’m doing!

I don’t know how to use Zoom!

I don't know why I'm not supposed to talk to you!

in a way that worried me

please don’t quit at this point

I didn’t say.

 

Instead: soothing words.

 Do you have the compensation figures I asked

no she replied

we'll have to get that if you're going to present it

we - not just you - I'm right beside you.

The email from assistant to DS said

tell your Administrative Council to attend Zoom meeting

I emailed back do you mean Admin Council

or charge conference it’s two different groups

in a few hours return email said

admin council charge conference whatever

people call it different things

it should be members who vote at charge conference

(sigh) thank you I said.

 

Pastor and chair have script we must read

(chair told me this 

DS has told me nothing)

Sunday of announcement

there will be no livestream

announcement must be kept secret!

really?

let’s tell the whole church and keep it secret

this process makes me glad to retire.

Somehow I’m supposed to be

in a Holy Week frame of mind

what I need is a walk in the woods. 

The Best of Us All

 

Please not Sunday afternoon I said

I am exhausted after church

but that was the day that worked

so I said it will be fine.

 

There wasn’t much time between

the end of one service in Durham

lunch in Pittsboro

change purple stole for white

funeral in Apex

Massey’s sanctuary too small

every seat filled

several hundred people

she was beloved in church

and everywhere else apparently.

 

Her death took everyone by surprise

we knew she had slow cancer for years

she seemed better than fine

I got the call on my way to Wilmington

for retirement seminar

she’s with Hospice

what?!

I just saw her last week she seemed fine

doctor said she would go fast when she finally went

disbelief shock

please put me on the phone with her

she’s not really conscious

what?!

but Hospice nurse says she can still hear

I said a prayer on speakerphone

knowing dreading from experience what happens

when prayer places dying person in Jesus’ arms

oh please wait one more day I thought

so I can hold your hand kiss your forehead

give you Communion

but twenty minutes later another phone call

she is gone.

 

She was the best of us all.

 

What will we do now

someone said

we have lost her we are losing you

I said you’ll be fine

just pray just pray.