Song Memories: A

 

2005 Graduation from Duke Divinity School

My ipod has become antique won’t play in new car

son-in-law Jonathan transferred songs to my phone

now they play in the car and everywhere else

haven’t listened to them in such a long time

many lyrics have meanings memories for me

as I drew closer to God

through divinity school

difficulties of ordination

early challenges of ministry

I’ll start in alphabetic order with “A”

maybe eventually I'll get farther than A.

 

“Always on My Mind” by Willie Nelson was a frequent prayer for me

as a pastor

in my mind I substituted “God” for “girl.”

Maybe I didn't love you quite as often as I could have

maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have

if I made you feel second best

God I'm sorry I was blind

you were always on my mind you were always on my mind.

 

“Amie” by Pure Prairie League seemed to play a lot

during difficulties of getting reinstated as candidate for ministry

I debated a lot:

do I stay with this horrible process or give it up?

Jim R (gift from God) kept me hanging in there

God seemed playfully to speak to me

through refrain of this song.

Amie (Cheryl), what you wanna do?

I think I could stay with you

for a while, maybe longer if I do.

 

“And That’s All I Know” by Art Garfunkle expressed well

what I often felt in Divinity School.

All my plans have fallen through

all my plans depend on you

depend on you to help them grow

I love you and that's all I know.

 

“Angel” by Sarah McLauchlan reminds me

of meanness lack of hospitality 

of ordination boards

seemed like God was speaking to me

it’s important to realize what are lies.

You spend all your time waiting for that second chance

for a break that would make it okay

there's always some reason to feel not good enough

and it's hard at the end of the day….

So tired of the straight lines and everywhere you turn

there's vultures and thieves at your back

the storm keeps on twisting

keeps on building the lies 

that you make up for all that you lack.

 

“Annie’s Song” by John Denver kept coming up

when I was enrolled in spiritual direction school

I read somewhere his wife said

it became like a prayer to him

yes I can see that.

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest

like the mountains in springtime like a walk in the rain

like a storm in the desert like a sleepy blue ocean

you fill up my senses

come fill me again.

Finding my Place?

 

I visited Pittsboro UMC Sunday for the late service

five minutes from my home.

 

Lovely worship space

excellent music fantastic choir

congregation not overly friendly

but not unfriendly either

my presence seems to surprise pastors

he was friendlier on my way out the door.

Monday I received email from him

it was a joy having you in worship yesterday etc

this was first welcome note I have received

after sending hundreds of them myself

I emailed in reply I’ve been visiting churches

was invited to PUMC by neighbors

loved the worship service

not familiar with this district 

want to sing in choir at church near home 

which limits my choices.

 

Within a few minutes a return email

with contact info for choir director

we’d love to have you in our choir

I emailed director: can visitor join choir?

“Dear Pastor Cheryl” came reply – yes indeed

first fall practice is tomorrow at 7.

 

Next day I received church coffee mug

filled with chocolate kisses

and note: welcome!

also email from office administrator: welcome!

 

I think you’re being pursued Keith said

this is what is supposed to happen I replied

coffee mug was a nice touch.

 

Choir practice was superb also nostalgic

I haven’t been part of a well-led choir

with people who laugh joke enjoy each other

since I was a student at Pleasant Green

I so loved the choir there

my voice is worn out from years of preaching

no one seemed to notice.

 

Welcome Pastor Cheryl!

please I am retired 

I'm really a recovering pastor

they all laughed

just Cheryl will be fine

they were friendly welcoming.

 

So I will sing at 9 and 11 on Sunday

probably return to Sunday school between

perhaps I have found my place.

Hope, Part 2

 

Katherine and Mom at brunch, August 2025

Lovely weekend began with celebration of Katherine’s birthday

foursome brunch in Pittsboro

traveled next to artists gallery in Creedmoor

she selected glass pumpkin (which she collects) as gift

then home to play lively mahjong.

Saturday funeral in Roxboro with pretty backroads drive

good to see colleagues and former church members.

Neighbor invited me to Pittsboro UMC

may I ride with you?

of course but we go to Sunday school first is that okay 

I’m not sure I can keep my mouth shut in bible study I worried to Keith

you can do it he said.

Sunday school was a dozen older people around a table

lesson was in Luke’s Gospel but we began in Genesis

under the oaks of mamre

the teacher asked who were Abraham’s three visitors?

someone actually – actually! – answered the Trinity

the teacher said she had never heard this

they probably were God and two angels

I said nothing.

Late service in the old sanctuary

lovely space not as large as I guessed

big brass cross up front

stained glass windows potted plants

short curved Communion rail I guess they don’t kneel

organ piano choir

young pastor wears headset mic does not robe

bowtie reminds me of Bruce Stanley (smile)

he preached the last of three-part series on Prodigal Son.

The choir was superb excellent music

we sang Love Divine All Loves Excelling one of my favs.

I sat third row from front

between mahjong friend I recognized

and neighbors who brought me.

Church is hard for me friend said softly before service began

why is that I wondered

I was married to United Methodist pastor

who cheated on me with someone he was counseling

this was in Virginia

I’m so sorry I said

church is difficult for many people

you know I’m a retired pastor

we can talk about it sometime I offered

she said the one thing I want to leave with from worship

is a sense of hope

if I can just feel hope

it helps me get through the week.

Yes that is true for all of us I said.

Hope, Part 1

 

A monarch butterfly visiting our zinnias

Worst. blog. ever.

I'm about to destroy this latest iteration

use the Iceland photos

create a separate photo book.

 Maybe turn this into a family photo album.

I struggle - we struggle - each day

to write to help to do what must be done

even to smile sometimes

to dwell together peacefully

to live through what feels like end-times.

I am relieved not to be a pastor

who must preach hope.

Behold God's monarch butterfly

colorful zinnias.

Monarchs are fairly rare these days

of destroyed environment

plastic and poison

boiling summers and violent storms.

These are days of 

persecuted immigrants

frightened mothers and children

masked thugs

gun violence

unconscionable cuts to science

never-ending wars

demented corrupt old man

with so many followers

why O God?

Butterflies are symbols of hope

of renewal beauty fragility

God's reckless extravagant love.

Sunday Mornings

 

I wait for the worship service to begin

it’s 11 o’clock but things are not punctual here

however they are casual

old wooden pew no padding uncomfortable

the back slanted forward to keep us awake

not something I’ve had to endure in a while.

 

A huge central wooden cross

has big cruel nails driven in

where hands and feet would be

I’ve not seen that in a Protestant church

Communion table covered with fat white candles

which someone forgot to light

because the pastor is out of town.

 

More people arrive a few approach

to greet me we introduce ourselves

four names is about my limit

one woman sits on the pew in front of mine

turns around to hear my name and tell me hers

immediately she asks: Do you love Jesus?

yes I reply

that’s what matters she says in a happy way

hops up to move elsewhere

had I been thinking quicker maybe

I would have asked her the same

then wondered how she shows that love in the world

actually that’s not likely

I don’t want to intimidate people

she wasn’t as concerned

had I been a seeker hers could have been

an off-putting question.

 

As it is they will see me sing the old hymns

recite the Apostles’ Creed from heart

toss a check in the plate

wish folks the peace of Christ

someone who knows her way around

a church like this.

 

One of them will say

she said she loves Jesus

what was her name again?